War on words...

I am not entirely sure if I should say war on words or at war with words. What I mean is that I have decided to wage a war against certain words.

Now why would you want to wage a war against words? Do you have any good reasons for it?

Oh, so now we need reasons to wage a war? Whatever happened to freedom and stuff like that? Anyway, I digress.

That is nothing new.

Riiight... as I was saying, I have decided that I will wage a war against certain words.

Any word in particular?

The word cute comes to mind immediately.

Of course, it is not as if I woke up this morning (nothing fine about it I must confess, it is dull and cloudy and looks like it is going to rain) and decided that I launch an offensive against what would seem to be harmless words. I have strong opinions on the usage of certain words. Many of you (more accurately, the three of you who read my blog) would remember my diatribe against the word awesome a while ago. I have been averse to the word cute used in any phrase or sentence for as long as I can remember. What irks me is the word is almost always used in situations where you feel like puking. For example, Awwww... that is so cute. Or worse, that is cho chweet. To me, there is very little difference between the sound of that sentence and the sound of a chalkpiece screeching on a blackboard.

But surely you must agree that there are situations which can only be expressed by using the word "cute".

Yes, I agree. However, according to me, the only legitimate use of the word cute is to describe baby elephants, as in the sentence... baby elephants are cute. Go on, imagine it. You cannot stop thinking about those calves running around, (not at all like the sober, dignified gait of the fully grown elephants) with their big ears flapping around and their trunks (only as long as their tails) stretched out (as are their tails), and in between the legs of the adult elephants now, can you?

Is it just the baby elephants? Why not puppies, kittens etc.? They are cute too, aren't they?

No, allowing the use of the word cute in those situations opens up the word for more abuse, exactly the kind that I am trying to squelch out. For example, people will use the word "cute as a puppy" or "cute as a kitten" even for situations where there is no puppies or kittens invovled. However, think about it, you can never use cute and baby elephant in one sentence unless you are talking about how cute the baby elephants are. If you dream of any success in your relationship pursuits then never ever compare the object of thine admiration to a baby elephants. As romantic as it may sound to you, believe me, the girls never seem to appreciate the "cute as a baby elephant" comparison. I am speaking from experience here so trust me on this one. Thus, the phrase "cute as a baby elephant" is never going to be abused (anyone who abuses it will face the wrath of the fairer sex and very rightly so), leaving but one legitimate choice for that combination... to describe baby elephants, which was my original point.

Don't you think you are overreacting? After all it is not the word's fault that it is being abused.

I am not entirely sure if I should pick the guns don't kill people, people kill people or the hate the sin, not the sinner stance here. Sure the word itself has legitimate uses, but people tend to abuse it. But does the word exist without its meaning? If not, then the very fact that it conveys a certain meaning/expression is what makes it a word... and, therefore, makes it abusable?

I have no idea what you just said there, but I believe that is no reason to wage a war on words.

Don't worry, I don't understand it fully either. That is why I am following the age old adage There is no problem that is so big that cannot be solved by a liberal amount of explosives. So just nuke the word out of existence and, hopefully, the problem will go away too.

You said "war on words..." and so far you only talked about cute. What are the other words?

Honey, sweetheart... phrases like... I can't live without you...

Gift suggestions... hint... hint...

You have given me caps and mugs with the friendly tux, chocolate cakes and cookies... still you feel like you need to gift me something more, but are not sure what! Well, think no more, because I will tell you what I want... You can buy me this.

Update (August 16 2005): Unfortunately, amazon.com no longer has the offer. So people who are reading this blog now... sorry, you missed out on the joke.

Researchers say...

...people think better lying down that standing straight up. Wonder if I can use this article as defense when my advisor catches me napping in the office.

Much Ado About Nothing...

Benedick:
I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much
another man is a fool when he dedicates his
behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at
such shallow follies in others, become the argument
of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man
is Claudio. I have known when there was no music
with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he
rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known
when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a
good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake,
carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to
speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man
and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his
words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many
strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with
these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not
be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but
I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster
of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman
is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am
well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all
graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in
my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise,
or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her;
fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not
near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good
discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall
be of what colour it please God.

(Act 2, Scene 3)

A lot like rant...

So I was watching TV this evening, which is not entirely unlike any other evening because if I am home I am mostly sitting in front of the idiot box. I have noticed that this is something most normal people frown upon. It gives me the feeling that most people believe that one must be a good-for-nothing, unimaginative, artless bloke if you can get entertained by something that is playing on TV. But what about indignation? Is it ok if instead of being entertained I am, what is the word I am thinking of here... something along the lines of indignated? I have a friend who frowns upon the fact that whenever I am in a room I don't turn up the lights so that the luminosity matches that of a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon. Err.. why a Sunday afternoon? What do you mean? Why not Saturday, Monday... or any other day of the week? Heck, why not just a bright, sunny afternoon? Good question. But I digress... so I ask him/her (all identities are protected in this blog... Oh! Who am I kidding, of course, you know it is a girl... You are stereotyping! Well, it makes the rant more provoking. You were supposed to do that with radical ideas. I am running low on radical ideas right now.

Once again, I digress... so I ask her, "Now why would I need bright lighting when all I am doing is watching television? Isn't it a good thing that I turn off unnecessary lights and save power and do my bit towards protecting the environment?" And she replies, "If you want to save power turn off that idiot box." Now what sort of a suggestion is that? Aside from the fact that the power consumed in lighting the room to a luminosity of a bright, sunny afternoon, see it doesn't have the same ring to it as a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon, is much more than that consumed by the TV, but more importantly... sure I take her suggestion and turn off the idiot box... and then what? Stare at the room which is as bright as a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon? Yes, I could read... but show me a Japanese or a French book with English subtitles so that I can read and assimilate thoughts and ideas from different cultures. Until you can do that, shut up about my TV viewing habits.

Oy! Looks like I ended up ranting about something completely different than what I set out to rant about. This evening I was watching TV as usual... there was this movie Pleasantville playing on, I think, TBS and they had promos for a new release "A lot like love" during the commerical breaks. So like they had this you know like an interview with the stars or something and I was like oh my god she is so hot and that is so cute and all that... (err... sorry wrong character, I am being myself here) and it had me wondering. The plot, from their discussion, seemed non-existent. All they could talk about is how much fun they had on the set and how the hero/heroine is such a wonderful person and how they became fast friends over the making of the movie. How is that relevant? When did the fun they had on the sets become a barometer of the quality of the plot and how much fun I, as a potential movie watcher, will have? By the same yardstick, the videos I shot during my trip to the Grand Canyon must win the best picture at the Oscars, that is how much fun we had during that trip. Yes siree bob!

Beware of the leopard

In anticipation of the exciting event unveiling next week, I have taken to greeting everyone with phrases like "Hey frood! How are you?" And let me tell you, it hasn't been going very well. The reaction I have been getting so far, which I firmly believe is not the proper response to that question, which in case if you are wondering is "I can never get the hang of Tuesdays. So how are you hoopy Florist?" --- as an aside you get extra points if you can work in the word sass in the previous sentence, is a very eloquent "Uh?"

Which, of course, makes me wonder... am I hanging out with the right crowd? Probably not. Anyway, to those still wondering, I am talking about the release of the Hitchhikers movie. The reviews have been mixed so far which is understandable... the guide isn't popular for its accuracy and so the different versions (text, radio shows, tv shows and the movie) are bound to be different to keep with the spirit of the Guide. However, I found myself cringing when I saw a snippet from the movie - the sperm whale incident. I think the trouble was that I remembered the sentences in the book and when the dialogues in the movie didn't match the ones in my brain there was a certain degree of uncomfortableness. So in case you are planning to review the text before going out to see the movie, like you did for LOTR, my suggestion is, Don't!

So long and have a nice day, while I sit back and wonder what it was that the bowl of petunias were thinking when they said, "Oh no! Not again." I wonder if they were working for a professor.

Proof of research...

Your credibility as a researcher or your worthiness as a potential employee after your doctorate is basically measured in terms of the number of publications you can list in your resume. But veterans of research life and here I am talking about the ultimate authority, the PhDcomics has time and again illustrated how you can beat the system using illustrative examples. But so far it has always been mind against mind... your capability of generating esoteric technical jargon against your fellow researchers. However, it seems that it is no longer the case... the joke go away, or I will replace you with a shell script, it seems, has indeed become a reality! A computer generated conference paper has been recently accepted in a certain conference. Does this mean that graduate students are now obsolete? More importantly does this mean that I will have to graduate soon? Should we be forming unions and demanding that the technology be banned because it will result in unemployment of so many graduate students? Or should we just be keeping our advisors in the dark and use these to generate papers and boost our conference publication list?

The research dilemma...

Let me begin this post by offering no kind of apology to my loyal readers (all the two of them) for ignoring this space over the last two months (almost). I am also not going to give any reasons (read: none that I can think of right now). Oh wait, this one just came to my mind, I blame Dave Barry. He was not only funny but also was born earlier than me and got an unfair head start in the business of writing humor columns. I wanted to write about crowded mall parking lots, but he was there before me. I wanted to conjure up funny names for rock bands, but he was there before me. I wanted to write about exploding toilets... no, actually not.

But gentle readers don't you worry, you haven't missed anything. I am still in the PhD world with graduation still a distant dream. And while I am sitting in my room, almost freezing to death, I cannot help but wonder about this wonderful dilemma I have with research. Ummm... looks a bit anachronistic, it is spring already. You cannot be possibly freezing in spring. Ah! That! Didn't I ever tell you? Tell me what? That my room follows the weather patterns of Australia? Ooookay... Will I regret it if I ask you to explain yourself? Yeah, my room follows the weather patterns of Australia. See, Australia is in the southern hemisphere, so when it is springtime in northern hemisphere it is autumn in Australia and vice versa. I know Australia is in southern hemisphere and all that. Why (or should it be how) is your room following the weather patterns of Australia? I think my room thinks that it is in Australia. It even says mate in Australian accent. I know it is stupid and impossible, but I am more curious now. Are you theorizing some sort of space-time curvature and some wormhole contraption wherein your room is somehow mysteriously located in the outskirts of Perth? What? No! Nothing of that sort. I was just saying that the stupid designers who designed the heating system in my apartment were either permanently brain damaged or were drunk. They put the heater/air conditioning unit in the kitchen, and then ran one pipe over a distance of over 30 feet with vents opening out in each room at roughly 10 ft. Now, my room being the closest to the unit gets the hottest/coldest air depending on the northern hemisphere weather patterns... I mean hot air during winter and cold air during summer, I know it is confusing. In that sense it seems to follow the weather patterns of Australia. Ha ha ha... space-time curvature and wormholes... where do you come up with such things... can you not think of a simple explanation? Someone needs to cut down on their daily sci-fi TV dosage. Sigh! I knew I would regret it. Who would have thought there would be some rational explanation when it comes to you?

But my research dilemma does involve some of the quantum theory aspects. I think my research is more like schodinger's cat, or may be not, I am not entirely sure. Phew! I was getting worried for a moment there. So you are still crazy and all is normal with the world. I am sorry but I have this feeling of relief sweeping over me. Oh what was it that you were saying? Anyway, I was saying... my research it is like Schodinger's cat... or rather my code is... or rather the bugs in my code are... that is assuming they exist, which they might not. Either they exist or they do not exist. I won't know of the existence of these bugs/errors/modeling inconsistencies in the code unless I run a test case or actually peruse the code i.e., make an observation. But then if I do not make an observation then the bug might not actually exist or its nonexistence might be superimposed over its existence. The appearance of the bug might be due to the very fact that I chose to look for it? I mean there must the possibility of "a bug free research code run by me" being played out in one of the several parallel universes. And as long as I choose not to observe it... it might as well be this universe. So I have chosen not to look/work on my code. While this has allowed me to relax like never before, it has an unfortunate side effect of filling my inbox with irate emails from my advisor about some lack of progress. What lack of progress? How can we no there is no progress unless we make an observation? But my advisor is not much into relativity so...

Come here, let me give you a hug. I am so glad that you are "normal." I am not sure now, you are watching way too much of soap operas if you ask me. Eewwww.. I hate human contact.

Annoyances

For about a month now this blog has been dead as a dead frog. Why a dead frog? I don't know. I wish I could tell you that there was a good reason for it. You mean for a dead frog? No, but coming to think of it... yeah, I wish there was a good reason for the dead frog too. I think it is dead because it ceased to be alive. Ah, sorry I asked. What did you wish you had a good reason for then? I wish I could tell you that I was protesting against some government/corporate policy by refusing to write in my blog. I wish I could tell you that there had been remarks from certain quarters that a monkey, with one of its hand tied to its back, could type out this blog and no one could notice the difference, and I was waiting to see if it were true. Now you cannot stop picturing how funny it would be to watch a monkey hammering away at the keyboard with one of its hands tied to its back, can you? You cannot also but wonder if what it typed would be more worth your time and effort than reading what you are reading right now.

Anyway, coming back to the issue... the lack of updates at this site. I am going to blame it on my sun sign. As an Aries, I plunge headlong into any project that takes my fancy, be all enthusiastic about it for a very short while and in a very short period lose all interest and never think about it again. I find it comforting that one can always absolve oneself and place the blame for ones faults, shortcomings etc. on someone/something else.

Lately, I have developed a strong aversion to the word awesome. People just use the word as a standard response to any topic of conversation where they cannot, in my opinion, find anything interesting/suitable to say. For example,

I won a lottery yesterday! Awesome!
I think I got some extra beans in the burrito. Awesome!
I managed to stay awake through a boring lecture. Awesome!
How are you? Awesome!

The last one really drives me nuts. Why, a "fine, thank you" isn't good enough for you? It seems to me that they find the world a wonderful place and anything and everything in it seems to fill them with a sense of awe and wonder. I, on the other hand, am a pessimist. I think the world is a dull, dreary place. It is not awesome as some people think it is. I don't have anything against the word awesome. I just feel that the word is being overused. Now what is really going to get my goat is that one fine day I graduate (stop sniggering, it is going to happen one day) and I tell someone I finally got my PhD and the response is going to be awesome. In effect, the incredibleness of getting a PhD degree and that of getting extra beans in a burrito are about the same!

Talking about things that tick me off, timers on electronic gadgets. I hate the flashing 12:00 LEDs on VCRs. I like all my electronic appliances configured to show the right time if they have that feature. What annoys me more than anything else (at least more than anything else that I can think of right now) is how people mess up my microwave oven's time display. I use it when I am in the kitchen to keep track of time. Once in a while, someone will put a dish inside the microwave oven and set it to heat for a minute. And exactly 57 seconds into the countdown he/she opens the oven and takes whatever it was that he/she was heating and walks away without resetting the timer. The stupid microwave is no longer showing the time, instead the LED displays 0:03. I wonder, is it that difficult to hit the reset button and cancel the countdown? Will the extra 3 seconds of heating radically alter the taste and quality of the dish you were heating? If you did know that 57 seconds is how long you wanted your dish heated, why didn't you set the timer to 57 seconds in the first place? Is it that you cancel countdown three seconds early so that the microwave doesn't beep annoyingly? Or is it just that impatience got the better of you?

Don't even get me started on how to squeeze the toothpaste tube.

Don't mess with my automobile...

It seems that someone tried to break into my car yesterday night. Looks like the guy/girl (let us not be chauvinisitc here) rammed a screwdriver in the lock and the metal is all twisted now and the key will not go in easily. And there was this friendly note on my windshield which said,

1/20/2005
11:30 pm
Someone tried to still your car.

The person did not leave any other information. I feel very much like Vincent Vega felt about his Malibu (look for his conversation with Lance, if you don't get what I mean). I, like Mr. Vega, feel that it would have been worth him doing it just so that I could catch him doing it. Although, in retrospect, it is good that I was not present at that time, because unlike Vincent here, I don't carry a gun in my pocket. In retrospect of the retrospect, is a good thing because there are a lot of people who I would like to shoot on general principle.

If you think I have an unhealthy obsession of the movie Pulp fiction, I hope, for my sake, that it is just that... because Vincent Vega dies in the movie.

On an unrelated note, it seems that my mother was right after all. She always used to think that I seemed to attract mosquitoes while it never bothered anyone else in my family. Scientists seem to agree.

It happens only in India... (again!)

A good friend of mine sent this news article about an eight year old girl being married to a dog! He comments, "How do you send a whole nation to the dogs... you start one at a time!!" Surely, I cannot have said it better. And don't forget to read the last paragraph in the article. That really takes the cake. I am curious now, what khaandaan (lineage) is the dog from that it can command such a dowry. I am wondering if I should go get myself appraised to see if I am worth more than that dog? I am scared to find out.

On alter egos, voices or psychosis...

(The names of the characters have been changed to protect their identities.)

Being up and about since 8 AM doing random chores around the house, monitoring the progress of my research codes on several computers, re-arranging the furniture in my living room, watching TCM and surfing on the web, I have realized one thing: I should not have gotten out of bed at all. But as some wise soul once said, "Every morning I wake up and check the newspaper, if my name is not listed in the top 100 wealthiest men in the world, I get up and go to work."

It is at times like these, when life seems like one continuous ennui, some random, long forgotten memory/ thought/ idea pops back into my head to break the continuity. Today was no different.

Normal people: Oooh... that is so nice. So what did you suddenly remember?
My acquaintances: I am scared to ask what it is now?

Well, you know how we have these silly wishes? Yeah, what about them? There are these things we have always wanted to do since as far as we can think back? Yes, of course. How everyone of us has always wanted to use the phrase in cahoots with in a sentence?

Normal people: Huh?
My acquaintances: Just as I feared! Well, no.

You mean to tell me you have never ever wished that you could find an opportunity to use the phrase in cahoots with in a sentence?

Normal people: Huh?
My acquaintances: I don't know which planet you come from, but where I grew up... no... that was not the common wish of a child growing up.

But cahoots is such a nice word. It indicates some nefarious activity, and gives any sentence the boy, are we in trouble tone.

Normal people: Huh?
My acquaintances: So being able to use that phrase was your biggest wish growing up?

Yeah, because of various reasons, I spent much of my childhood growing up alone. So I never could be upto some prank in cahoots with someone.

My acquaintances: It is almost like the chicken or egg problem. Is it because you grew up alone that you are so weird, or is it because you are weird that you grew up alone? By the way, I don't think that is a very interesting use of the phrase in cahoots with in a sentence.

Well, I was not that alone too. Like Calvin had Hobbes and his alter egos the stupendous man and spaceman spiff, my brain automatically seemed to split itself into different personalities and we were always in cahoots upto something.

My acquaintances: So you heard voices too?

Yeah, sort of. Why do you ask?

Normal people: No, nothing. I am just wondering why you are not locked up in some loony bin.
My acquaintances: More like, why weren't you burnt at the stake.

Funny you should ask that. I was about to declare to the world the grand vision of peace and prosperity the voices guaranteed under my dictatorship, but the Devil intervened in the nick of time and made me watch the movie on Joan of Arc. Seeing how they burnt visionaries at the stake, I shut up and never spoke about the voices in my head to anyone. One of the voices, Alpha, told me later that the Devil was not pepared to have me in hell yet.

Normal people: So what language do these voices speak to you in?
My acquaintances: What a pity, about the Devil intervening like that I mean. Wait, you have names for the voices?

Why, English mostly. I think I think in English. Why? Do you hear voices in other languages?

Normal people: I wouldn't know. I have never heard any voices.
My acquaintances: Yeah, English most of the time... Err.. I mean... no, what rubbish! We don't hear voices. he he he... So tell us more about the voices... any good looking girls amongst them?

I already told you about Alpha, he is of a quarrelsome disposition, always picking up fights with me. Beta is cynical, kind of like Hobbes is to Calvin. Charlie is nice most of the time, but can be really pervy at times. There was Delta, a charming girl, a very good singer too. Was always telling Alpha to be more friendly and Charlie to behave. I don't see her often these days. I heard Alpha and Charlie whispering something about her the other day. I think they done her in.

Normal people: You are not serious?
My acquaintances: So your fights with Alpha, are they worse than the ones you pick up with us?

Hey, I don't fight with myself. But you just said that Alpha is always picking up fights with you. Why that sneaky Sierra, what has he been telling you? Who is Sierra now, who are you? Ooops... he he he... Florist? Hang on, I think I am getting an email, I can feel the electrons rushing towards my inbox.

---- Update at 10:07 AM on January 21, 2004 ---
In your view, normal people are:
(a) not bright,
(b) humor impaired,
(c) not insane,
(d) Huh?

The thick and thin of it...

I am thin. You just won't believe how extremely, mind-bogglingly thin I am. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. Err... sorry about that, got carried away by Hitchhiker's... he he he...

But the fact remains, I am very thin. And tall, not very, but some might be inclined to think so. For most scientific purposes, I can be safely assumed to be strictly a one-dimensional object without loss of generality. I am what you would call a bag of bones, no waste of flesh, just the bare minimum to articulate those bones and just enough blood (well, caffiene now) to keep those joints lubricated. In my younger days, this caused much consternation amongst my relatives who, whenever they met me, exclaimed, "Oh my! You have lost weight!" Considering the facts that,
1. I meet them usually once a year,
2. I have grown taller by a couple of inches during that interval,
3. Did not change appreciably in the horizontal directions. Logically, scientifically and common sensically, I could only have gained weight. Hearing them gasp thus, I would hasten to check if I have lost any of my limbs or more importantly my jeans, which contributes to a considerable percentage of my total weight. It was not until many years later that I realized that they never really meant anything by their enquiries and that "Oh my! You have lost weight!" is just their way of making conversation, pretty much like they talk about weather in America. Of course, one does not really talk about weather in India, because as Mark Twain so aptly remarked, In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

A lot has changed since I was 11 years old. For one, I have developed an insolent tongue which retorts mercilessly to any inquiries regarding matters of my weight or lack of it. Also, unlike my aunts, the present generation is more obsessed with perfectly chiselled biceps for men and slim figures for the women. Of course, during their trip from potbellyville to flat-abs city, they have to invariably drive through diet valley. While they are cutting down on fat, carbs etc. trying desperately to shave off ounces off their protruding bellies, I down a medium sized pizza without gaining a millimetre around my waist to show for it.

Long have I wondered why I never gained weight, but could never come up with a satisfactory explanation. Well, until now. And the answer is: wormholes. No, not worms in my intestines and holes in my stomach. While that might probably be the medical reason, we don't want you to get the same reaction reading this blog, that you would get when you sit down in front of your television with a plate of your favourite food and see three guys trying to outdo each other in eating raw buffalo testicles in Fear Factor.

Voice one in my head: Did you say raw?
Voice two in my head: Yeah.
Voice one in my head: What about botulism, Ecoli?
Voice two in my head: Tell me about it! All this for $50,000!
You: That is what is concerning you? ::perplexed::

So coming back to the issue at hand, I think I am thin because of wormholes - the one that you hear about in sci-fi novels/serials. The wormhole in question opens in my hepatic portal vein and opens out in the liver of an alien in some wierd galaxy, even an alternate parallel universe, where the present day trend is to be as fat as possible. So here I am eating everything edible in sight without gaining an ounce and somewhere out there is an alien who is getting fat without eating anything at all, much to the envy of his alien friends.

The curious amongst you are thinking, why doesn't what the alien eats trickle down to my body? Ummm... I am not sure. The wormhole is strictly one way probably? Hmmm... all this theorizing seems to have made that alien hungry. Have a nice day, while I go eat some payasam. Bon appetite.

Wave particle duality...

Ever since I have started this blog and coerced people to read it, those who know me in real life always come back with this one question, why haven't you written about love yet? My friends know that I have been extremely cynical and scornful of this one human emotion and always try to get me all riled up by dragging me into a conversation dealing with the human need for love, caring and togetherness. By popular demand...

Of course, to keep things simple we will only talk about the love as in the attraction between two adults, a boy and a girl, and leave out all other forms of passion and obsession, of which there are many... some whose foul tongue I will not utter here. Being a PhD student, I like to pretend that I use a scientific approach while trying to understand any new/ unexplained/ mysterious/ obscure phenomena, and love is almost all the above from a cursory observation. So today, I am reporting (well, that is what all research assistants do, pretend to research and then report their findings) the results of my studies about this mysterious phenomenon called love. The intended audience is mainly curious souls like me who could never figure out what all the fuss is about.

Warning: This being a slightly technical paper and because of the nature of the subject, there will be a lot of unfamiliar lingo/jargon like emotions, feelings, caring, sharing etc.

As with any research, one starts out with what is known in research parlance as a literature survey. Stanislaw Lem (1985) gives a very good review of the phenomena in his book Cyberiad - see Love and Tensor Algebra. Erich Seagal (1970) provides a very comprehensive treatise of the physical process in his book, Love Story, a description of which is beyond the scope of this article. However, pathbreaking research into this field was conducted in the early 20th century which lead to the development of the entire branch of physics now known as relativity and quantum theory. No seriously!

For a long time, it was believed that only thing constant was the state of love, once found -- as in found your soulmate. However, there were several inconsistencies observed in experiments which could not be explained using the existing theories. Then in a radical breakthrough, it was proposed that unlike the popular belief, the only thing constant was the rate at which the human mind shifts its stance and everything else, even time and distance, is relative to the observer's frame of reference. For example, when you are dating, in this frame of reference, one feels that the time ticks faster when they are with their significant other. However, once you are married and want to watch a game, even the minute's chat with your wife seems like an eternity.

Another important concept in the phenomenon of love is to understand the wave-particle duality of mind. For example, depending on the circumstances the mind behaves materialistically or emotionally. For example, you buy the lady materialistic presents, particularly diamond rings, and her mind is all excited about you. Such state of excitement is unstable and she radiates a lot of love your way. You see whats going on here, on one side of the equation you have matter (diamond ring) which equals on the other side something abstract as love and feelings. Furthermore, the uncertainity principle states that you cannot simultaneously know the state of your mind and its reaction to a certain event. The very fact that you tried to observe how a person is feeling at a certain moment can change the way they would react to what you have to say. Sort of like the time you killed Schrodinger's cat when you opened the box to pet it, you idiot.

While the above theory explains a lot of inconsistencies previously unexplained by other theories, it does not explain several other inconsistencies (like the ones you are itching to comment about) which were explained by other theories or still remain unexplained, or something like that. More recently, scientists have come up with string theory. According to this theory, people are connected to each other by tiny, invisible strings which vibrate in 11 dimensions, around you, beside you, inside you, outside you and in ways you cannot even imagine. The mode of vibration at any given time dictates the mood of the persons and how they interact with others, specifically how much they are attracted or repelled to the individual in question. Think springs and rubberbands, people you hate are pushed away like springs do and people you are attracted to are pulled towards like rubberbands do.

May be? May be not. What appeals to me is the wild, possibly inaccurate, definitely sweeping assumptions. But hey, I would rather be laughed at a theory than be nailed to a piece of wood, like it happened 2000 years ago when someone suggested how nice it would be for a change if everyone just loved each other and lived in peace (ref: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

It happens only in India...

The story so far...

I hate journals and conferences. Reading, writing papers for journals, every aspect of it. It is bad enough that I have to do research and boldly split infinitives that no man has split before (Ref. 1). But no, that is not enough, I have to report it too. Of course, I see why peer review is necessary and today was a perfect example of that. I was re-deriving the equations in an attempt to rebutt a question raised by a reviewer when I discovered that one of the assumptions I made was incorrect. Net effect: my results might be wrong. ::shock and disbelief:: I do not know yet, because the code will take a good three days before it can deliver the final results and, therefore, a verdict on my fate.

All afternoon I have been imagining the different ways of having a heart attack (you won't get the reference if you haven't seen the movie, the situation is very close to that in the movie).

Reviewer: What now?
My advisor: I will tell you what now. He will get a sleeping bag and a noodle maker and get to work on that code over there. You hear me talking, you desi boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I am going to get medieval on your ass.
Reviewer: I mean what about the review?
My advisor: Oh! That what now? I will tell you what now about the review. There is no review. Not no more. Two things: One, he has lost all his publishing privileges. Deal? He eats code and sleeps code. And two, don't tell nobody about this. This is between you, me and soon to be living his whole life in agonizing pain, staring at a dull monitor without net connection, punk ass research assistant here.

And I am thinking nothing can cheer me up... this is it... the end of my research... my PhD... I will have to pack my bags and go back to India. Ah! India... So I head over to the web to see what is happening in India. If I have to go live there, I might as well update myself as to what is happening there. But India... good old India, never lets me down. Never has failed yet to put a smile on my face. And this time was no different. I stumbled upon this piece of news about Indian cops and their ineptness when dealing with technology. Apparently, when asked to confiscate computers the cops returned with the monitors and not the hard drives. Also they stapled floppies together like documents. I have been laughing my heart out ever since. I remember having a conversation with a friend of mine about Indian's technological prowess. This should help her realize that the tech savvy segment is a very short percentage of the actual Indian population.

OK, time to get into character, a servile graduate research assistant. (Spoken in Appu's -of The Simpsons fame- voice) A thousand apologies for the overdose of Pulp Fiction reference.

(A la LiveJournal ishtyle) Current mood: Wondering if I can get a job heading up the anti-cybercrime squad in India. :-/ (Obligatory display of net-savvyness)

References:

1. Adams, D., Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Reissue edition, Ballantine Books, 1995.

For whom the bell tolls...

... Doesn't quite remind you of wedding bells, does it? So if I were to refer to wedding bells what sort of sound effect should I use? Rings? No, that is a door bell. Chimes? No, that is a clock. A lot of my acquaintances have been getting married lately and questions about my own views, opinions, readiness on/for marriage have been brought up lately. This got me thinking on the subject...

Being an Indian, I pretty much have only two options available to me. First of a love marriage. You ask, "Wait a minute, are not all marriages an expression of love for each other." Hold that thought until the next section. So an Indian love marriage proceeds somewhat in this fashion. Boy meets girl (refer to the bollywood article for romance tips), within six months boy and/or girl decide(s) they should get married (yes, this is a hard time limit; no extensions allowed) and seek parent's approval. Possible outcomes:

1. Girl's parents arrange her wedding elsewhere (see next section), guy (a) becomes Devdas, (b) he moves on to the next girl and the cycle repeats until a he encounters a successful exit condition, (c) settles for arranged marriage.

2. Being the open minded society that India is today, the parents approve of their wedding and the couple gets married at the earliest date when they can mutually take time off their jobs and, if necessary, get cheap flight tickets to India.

Alternately, I can go in for an arranged marriage. If I had to explain the concept to someone unfamiliar with it, it would go somewhat like this:

Me: So I am getting married.
(S)he: *surprise* Oh! I did not know you were dating. So you finally asked her eh?
Me: No, it is an arranged marriage, sort of Indian style.
(S)he: The marriages are arranged here too.
Me: Huh?
(S)he: It takes about a six months to a year long planning. People hire wedding planners. Everything has to be perfect, the cake, the dress, the bridesmaid's dress, the floral arrangements, the guests. And heaven save the groom if it rains that day.
Me: Oh no. I mean arranged as in my parents found the girl.
(S)he: Just as I suspected. So your parents set you up with this girl huh?
Me: Well, not really. My parents talked over with the girls parents and they decided we should get married.
(S)he: What about you? Do you like the girl?
Me: Yeah, I talked to her once. She seemed nice.

Given my anti-social tendencies, I assume arranged marriage is the only way I am ever going to get hitched. Although in this present day and age, arranged marriages are just another way of meeting and knowing your potential soulmates. I guess people are prejudiced and tend to get a bit defensive when interacting with the person (with whom you are being set up with) which breaks many a match. Probably, if you were meeting in a more normal situation, like at a friend's party, you both might have hit it off eventually. I suppose if we are more open minded about it, it might actually work? Yeah right! That would amount to accepting that our parents mean well and are not out to ruin our lives. If there is anything that unites all of human race, regardless of race, creed, religion, age etc., it is our belief that our parents are old fashioned people who are out to ruin our lives and that our children are reckless youths misusing their freedom. For example, there was a time when Beethoven's music was (I am taking a wild guess here) considered radical. Later on when rock music came into the scene, people thought Beethoven was soothing. Then with today's music we feel that Led Zeppelin is classic rock. Some 50 years hence, people might find Britney Spears... hmmm... I guess we just stumbled upon the reason why extinction of human race is an inevitable thing.

But one thing that really scares me about this whole marriage issue is that... You ask, "you mean more than dreading the fact that during the 'getting to know each other phase' the girl asks you, 'what do you expect out of marriage?' and you answer, 'Sex, of course. Oh Wait! Was that a trick question?'" (Don't worry. I am lost in the maze of quote marks too. Should there be a question mark at the end?) Yes, more than that. And it is the fact that most of the people I know share logins/passwords with their significant others! What if she logs into your account and changes the background? Or worse still, modifies the keyboard shortcuts? What about this situation? Your friend marries someone. You are not particularly friendly with your friend's spouse. What are your feelings regarding your friend's spouse reading your email intended for your friend? I can never seem to wrap my mind around this issue of sharing passwords.

So I ask you once again, the title, it does remind you of wedding bells, doesn't it? /usr/bin/fortune: Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch?

This and that...

Firstly, a very happy new year 2005 to all the readers out there. Yay! First entry of the year! I promise to strive to lower the standards of entries more than ever during the course of this year. You can count on me for that.

Secondly, now that I have titled the article "This and that..." I am wondering if that isn't a more appropriate title for my blog. After all, it is as uninteresting as "Scattered thoughts..." and doesn't incite anyone to click on the link when they read the title. Aside: I realize some of you have strong opinions against deciding on the title before writing the entire article. To those folks I quote one of the greatest philosophers of all times, Calvin, who said, "Pfffrrrrrbbbtttt..." Okay, coming back to the issue at hand (another aside: what is the issue at hand?)

I had plans of writing 2004: A year in retrospect. But it was all research, conferences, ballroom dance competitions and another year of PhD with no end in sight. Same old, same old.

Meanwhile, in the news, Dave Barry announced his retirement (at least for a year's period). Warning: the paperwork involved in signing over your soul to the Devil looks miniscule compared to the details you need to give to Miami Herald before they let you read the article.

To the curious types, yes, the Devil is real. Otherwise, tell me who else will God play dice with? Once we agree that Einstein and Bohr understood the universe better than us, it follows that there exists a Devil whose legalese allows trading of souls for material benefits. Furthermore, it can also be proved that the Creation followed an open source development model and a clear case for polytheism can, therefore, be developed.

What I am trying to say that you can explain away the entire creation based on the software development model. Think about it for a minute. Some entity (let us, for the sake of argument call it/him/her god-1) first created a prototype for the world and the things living in it. Along comes another entity (for simplicity god-2), does not like the way the world or some creature in it, thinks it/he/she can do better. God-2 creates a patch, sends upstream to god-1, who thinks the world is just right the way it/he/she wrote it and rejects the patch. Because the whole firmament is open source, god-2 forks the codebase and releases his own version of the world/living beings. Of course, every god-n (where n is a natural number) whose patch was rejected went ahead and created its/his/her own version of a living being and that explains the different species, different races and religions. Following the same logic, every patch that was accepted contributed to the evolution of the existing creatures. The secret, mysterious cults are analogus to the closed source development model where you have to sign a non-disclosure agreementto see the source code and have to agree to restrictive licenses to modify the source code. Of course, there will be some virus, worm, adware, malware writers which explains the existence of devil and other problems. The ice age, meteor strikes can be explained away when god-n reverts back a version or ceases development of a particular version/software. Folks who are atheists, I will try and accomodate your viewpoints as soon as I figure out how. I am thinking it will be something along the lines of AI and self repair. Send in a patch if you have any bright ideas.

Back to Dave Barry, I, like him, wonder if I am getting less funnier these days. One thing is for sure, I will miss his toilet bowl related humor. Another bit of news, ABC News has named bloggers People of the year. Good thing I got on the bandwagon just in time.

All said and done, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, if creation was akin to software development do they use CVS or Bitkeeper. I am not sure.