Shock and y'all

I am blessed (or should that be cursed? Depends on whether you are coming or going I suppose) with a very short attention span. I plunge headlong into some activity/hobby and then within a few days lose all interest and look for something else to do. For example, I would be actively pursing some activity (I don't know: research, reading, photography, computers etc. Pick one.) and then... "Ooooh! Shiny! " (something similar to Dory in Finding Nemo).

Lately I have been looking at the country music scene in US. I can visualize most of your faces contorting into an expression of contempt. To those narrow minded folks I say, "You spent too much time in a blue state." I, as a blue state non-resident alien, am taking Dave Barry's suggestion to 'reach out to the fine folks in the red states' seriously. My solution, listen to country music and watch King of the Hill. On second thoughts, I should have just resovled to watch King of the Hill. I am sure my discomfiture stems from my ignorance more than anything else. (I am throwing liberal apologies so that I am not shot if I ever have the misfortune of being in a red state, visiting friends or attending a conference or something.)

So today I try to present a thoroughly misinformed, blatantly prejudiced and completely irreverent view of the country music scene with a pinch of blue state sneer and generous helpings of foreign disdain for anything American. Based on my observations I have concluded that:

1. All music is produced in Nashville, TN. To put it in more scientific terms, there exists an anomaly around this great town which causes a spatial distortion of the earth's musical tastes and sucks all country musicians to this place.

2. 90% of all country music is sung by Alan Jackson, Toby Keith and Tim McGraw. The rest are composed by ladies who almost always seem to have blonde hair and are wearing dinner gowns. The data was collected by the completely unscientific method of random polling of the VH1 country music channel (145 in Comcast in my area, in case you are curious). Sometimes data from the great american country channel (GAC) was added to gain more diversity in results. To those in the field of data collection, curious about the whole experimental procedure: I visit this channel once in a while while surfing (because as a normal guy, according to Seinfeld, I am not interested in what is on TV, but rather, what else is on TV). Of course, the more serious country music afficionados will point to other singers like Brad Paisely, Dierks Bentley. From my ignorant viewpoint they are just scraggy pretenders to the throne.

3. Somehow the country music singers are obsessed with whiskey. A conclusion backed by the solid evidence of not one but two songs: Toby Keith's Whiskey Girl and Brad Paisely & Allison Krauss' Whiskey Lullaby.

Now surely I have piqued the curiosity of some of you fine folks, you might want to check out what the heck the country music is all about. So a short primer to help you identify country music from the rest of the music while surfing your radio channels inching your way through the beltway traffic. Most songs seem to have an excessive use of violins... err... fiddle (See! That is why you should watch King of the Hill in conjunction with anything country). Of course, most of us have the intelligence of a sea mollusc when it comes music. So we need some better way of distinguishing. Most songs have an overdose of references to the pickup truck, stars and stripes, American way of life and politics, pickup truck again, neck of the woods, family, highschool sweetheart, finding the perfect man (something to do with Atlantis), some local bar in town, pickup truck again, and phrases like "Thats what its all about!" Did I mention pickup trucks? The most definitive indicator of a country song is the phrase honky tonk in it. It doesn't get any better than that.

And for the more ambitious amongst you who want to be a country music singer. Here is what you should do: move to Nashville TN. Pick an analogy say, spending time with your girl is like driving a pickup truck (No seriously, country chicks dig that!) or a phrase How you doin'? and add lots of fiddle music and write whatever you feel like, for example setting up a mouse trap with your choice phrase to punctuate your story. If nothing works talk about whiskey or girls or whiskey and girls.

And to those wondering about the title I say, "Its alright!"