Anatomy of a Bollywood movie.

What can I say, you either love it or hate it, there is no middle ground. Bollywood, the desi equivalent of Hollywood, movies was an integral part of my growing up like a bowl of rice (search for the phrase on the page). It is a curious mixture of melodrama, comedy and very vivid, colourful song-dance sequences. People who did not grow up under the influence of the Bollywood movies (read people who are used to short, to the point, well thought out, crisply directed movies) are often confused and bewildered upon seeing a Hindi movie. So here goes, the first of a series of articles where I try and explain how to dissect and better understand the pot pourri that is a Bollywood masala movie.

Dramatis personae:The male protagonist of the movie is called the hero of the movie. The female lead, whose role is pretty much restricted to being the love interest of the hero, is called the heroine. There is always a bad ass guy called the villain. He invariably incurs the wrath of the hero because he has the hots for the heroine. There are, of course, lots of villains henchmen for the dishum-dishum fight scenes.

Definition of a Masala movie: One that has all the elements of entertainment, comedy, drama, love angle, love triangle and sometimes even a love quadrangle, hatred, revenge, jealousy, murder, suspense. The movie (which doesn't necessarily always have a story line) goes like this. Boy meets girl. Girl hates boy, boy falls deeply in love with girl. Boy tires to woo girl with song-dance sequence. Girl falls into the hands of villain. Villain tries to molest girl. Girl hates villain. Boy, from now on called hero, arrives in nick of time saves girl, who from now on called heroine. Hero and heroine prance around trees in elaborate song dance sequence. Flashback scene where hero/heroine's widowed mother recounts the tales of injustice done by villain or villain's father. Showdown at villains adda (lair). Happy ending.

Every Bollywood movie is made up logical blocks (read cliches) which are based on very well defined formulae. For example, Hindi movie formula #54 states that the superhuman strength of a hero bashing up the villains is directly proportional to the number of times the main villain slaps the hero's parents and varies with the second power of the area of garment stripped off of his sister multiplied by a huge power of ten.

Take for example, the super-duper blockbuster hit DDLJ. The hero is an average, just out of college student who is in love with a girl who is engaged to be married to the villian (as per the standard definition of hindi movies). The girl loves him back, naturally, and of course the villain is not too happy about it. He sends his henchmen to beat the living daylights out of the hero. So there is this hero who is getting bashed up pretty badly and the supportive father character of the hero (hero ka baap) tries to speak some sense into the villain and pleads with him to leave the hero alone. But no! The villain would not listen. In fact, he is so badass (thank you Kate for the word) that he spites the hero's dad and slaps him. At this point the camera cuts into a close-up of the hero's face. He is being pinned to the ground by a dozen something henchmen. There is blood and mud all over his face for added effect. But as soon as he sees his dad hit the ground, there is a sudden transformation. Something similar to what Popeye undergoes when he eats spinach. Suddenly, he is superhuman. He shakes the henchmen off his back and decimates them in seconds.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is your average formula #54. There are very few variations of the central theme and, therefore, it is very easy to identify #54. Look for it in the movies you watch, it is pretty hard to miss. This formula is a recurring theme in movies of Dharmendra, who immortalized the line Kuttey, mein tera khoon pee jaaonga (roughly translated "Dog! I am gonna drink your blood." Or should that be "Yo Dawg!"). What can I say, back then it worked!

And for those out there who are curious what the #1 formula is, I will tell you. You can never go wrong with a remake of a hollywood blockbuster, just remember to add the song-dance sequences.